Collins inducted into Hall of Obscurity

What do you buy for a person of nobility who has more money than can be spent in a lifetime? (much to Amazon's delight) Well, if you really knew Baroness Roflwaffle Parkin-Collins, you would know that the one thing that pains her is that her beloved William Collins has never received his due recognition. I took it upon myself to contact the presidents of The Oscars, The BAFTAS and The Golden Globes and request that they examine the career accomplishments of Lady Catherine's clergyman in Pride and Prejudice. They were horrified that they had overlooked the "pompous, narrow-minded sycophant" [quoted from character description of Mr. Collins on Imdb] and promptly announced that they had created specifically for him:

The Honourary Award of Distinction
for the Least Recognized Character in Cinematic History

I dearly hope that on her birthday, the Baroness receives this news with cheer.

Disclaimer:
The following quotes have been taken completely out of context
or have been fabricated for the sole purpose of amusing the Baroness.


We can see why Collins should have been recognized before now after reading this glowing praise of the original Mr. C in the 1940 film:
"Homely, pudgy-framed and deadpan with hooded eyes, slivery, fishy lips and slumping, pudding-like features that gave him a distinct shady look in films, Britisher Melville Cooper practically cornered the market on disdainful servants. Fortunately he was able to show more range than that and churned out a gallery of usually undesirable types in his nearly three-decade film career -- prigs, cowards, blunderers, con artists, thieves and sniveling turncoats..." ("praise" quoted directly from Imdb) [Personally, I always thought he was adorable and a look-alike for Ray Bolger, the Scarecrow]


When contacted about the Honourary award, Malcolm Rennie (1980 P&P) chuckled knowingly. "No one knew that my fan mail outnumbered David Rintoul's by 3 to 1. This annoyed him to no end and now the public at large can recognize my work. My fans have been with me all along."






Ever since the phenomenal success of the 1995 P&P, Vidal Sassoon and his team have been trying to replicate David Bamber's definitive hairstyle. A day doesn't go by that they are not besieged with requests from customers to give them the infamous Collins hair-do. Vidal claims that they have almost mastered the hairstyle but are still fidgeting with trying to attain the perfect combination of gel and sweat...




Hubbel Palmer (P&P 2003) did not seem fazed by the announcement of the long overdue recognition of his work. Instead, he was eager to discuss "The Glories of Womanhood" , the magazine which he happened to have tucked in his jacket. As reporters flashed their cameras, he was heard to mutter "so many treasures in here..." to anyone who cared to listen.



While Palmer's reaction was understated, Nitin Ganatra (B&P 2004) could not conceal his enthusiasm...
"It's the bomb! Ba da bing, ba da boom! I may be healthy, wealthy and wise but as they say, "no life without wife" and NOW a trophy! I must thank you for this beautiful, spectacular declaration of my success in America! I will have to build an addition on my $900,000 house with 5 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, 2 pools, a hot tub and soon my new trophy room! Ba da bing, ba da boom!"



Tom Hollander has played...
~ a poet (T. S. Eliot in London)
~ someone of noble rank in 5 films (Wives and Daughters, Pirates of the Caribbean, Elizabeth the Golden Age, Stage Beauty, The Clandestine Marriage)
~ a British Secretary of State (In the Loop)
~ a Colonel (Valkyrie)
~ a Lieutenant-Commander (Gosford Park)
~ a king in 3 films (Land of the Blind, The Lost Prince, John Adams)
And yet, Hollander was quoted as saying, "I've had the privilige to take on varied roles, working with the best actors and directors in the business but the opportunity to portray William Collins was the pinnacle of my career! To step into the shoes of such an exceptional character, was a dream come true. Why, his attention to detail is in itself worth noting. I've never looked at exemplary vegetables the same way since!"

And last, but certainly not least is Guy Henry (Lost in Austen 2008), one of the Baroness' most favoured actors to ever take on this prestigious role. He received the news of the Honourary Award with such exuberant pride and yet, at the same time showed deep humility, saying, "I could never have achieved this great acclaim without the unwavering support of my esteemed patroness Lady Catherine de Bourrrrrgh, and the constancy of my brothers Probity, Elizium, Canaan...and Tinkler! Why, when Tinkler hears the news, even though he is quite stout, I'm sure he'll be cavorting about the house like a fawn"! In the spirit of his monumental win, Mr. Henry declared that there would be a celebratory hunt, upon which most of the party present made haste to take their leave...


And if she manages to evade Collins and his gun, I say...
Happy Birthday Maniac!

2 comments:

  1. Thanks! Maybe for my next birthday you could honour Pancks or Sparkler? The Baroness was not aware that she had such power, but she is now... so beware ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had something planned for Pancks and the doctor and even something about Sienna and Z retiring from show biz but I ran out of steam. Collins is a formidable complex character...

    *consider myself warned*

    ReplyDelete

I HAVE RETIRED FROM THE BLOG AND WILL NO LONGER BE DOING UPDATES. THANKS!

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Latest Posts